you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
