cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize