And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Randomize
