that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
