tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
