if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
