He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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