who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
