I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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