Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I want her autograph on my taint
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
