It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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