I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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