I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
