I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
