Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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