I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
