You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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