Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
