I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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