the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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