Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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