I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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