Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
