I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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