I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i now understand why vodka
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
