The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
