you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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