My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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