In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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