If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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