Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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