I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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