I will die if light touches me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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