who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
