the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
