My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
