i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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