You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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