Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just high enough for therapy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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