where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
