Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
