she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
