"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
