I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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