all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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