What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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