i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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