proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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