I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
