i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
