I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Floor bacon is actually really good
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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