now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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