He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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