Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
