Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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