I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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