if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
