Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
we're so committed to being not committed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
