I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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