i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
