my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize