i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
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Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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